I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
