can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
