glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize