Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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