I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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