so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
