I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
