I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize