Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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