.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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