I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I made him laugh his dick is mine
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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