MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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