you're like a bully in the Christmas story
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
