The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
