Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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