i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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