the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
