she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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