You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
