there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
