I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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