My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
