12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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