My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
