When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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