New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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