she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
