Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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