I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
