i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
