Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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