hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
