I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
