Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
