Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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