life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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