Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
