i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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