I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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