i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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