he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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