my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
