If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize