Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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