FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
