I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
