question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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