Your mouth is God's brothel.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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