I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
