I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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