I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize