Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
