Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
