Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
