Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
