I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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