I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
