omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize