my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
