there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
false alarm. still invincible.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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