just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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