My liver just broke up with me...
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
